How to Get Rid of the "Gifts" That Are Killing You

A gift can be so artfully wrapped that you don't always recognize what’s inside, yet you accept it with joy. Be careful!

Not everyone is capable of taking hurtful words in stride and skillfully "returning the serve." Unfortunately, the words and actions of close family and loved ones leave the deepest and most lasting impact. Down the line, this can significantly shape your life.

A mother who told her daughter she would "never find a 'decent' husband" effectively saddled her with an inferiority complex for life. An ex-husband, before leaving, burdened you with guilt and the conviction that you were "the worst wife in the world"—a sentiment your former mother-in-law was only too happy to supplement with: "…and the clumsiest and least feminine, too." It didn't take long for you to become convinced of the "truth" of their words. A stranger who bumped into you in a passageway "politely" informed you that you were a "clumsy ungulate."

Since you doubted from the start that you deserved to be treated any differently, you easily accept such labels. Any attention from others feels like a "valuable gift." You cherish it, internalize it as part of yourself, and before you know it, you are using "other people's words." You might whisper to a friend, "…I’m the worst wife in the world," or hasten to tell a new acquaintance, "…I’ve always been unattractive and unfeminine."

Now, list everything about yourself that weighs you down, irritates you, or hurts you. Do you truly think this way, or did someone else tell you so? Take your time... Try to recall the specific situation that might have "gifted" you these beliefs. Standing up to aggression from others is difficult, especially if you were born a weak and fragile creature. But that is no reason to become a dumping ground for other people's "waste." Remember: everything you hear from those around you—and meekly accept—has nothing to do with you. You have simply become a "convenient person" for them to offload the "trash" they don't want to carry themselves. Such things are rarely "gifted" without a pretty wrapper; they are cleverly disguised as "tender concern for you," a "desire to help," a wish to "shield you," or an urge to "point things out." A gift can be so artfully packaged that you fail to recognize what lies inside and accept it with joy. Be careful! If your former mother-in-law said you "lacked femininity," chances are that very issue has plagued *her* all her life. Return what belongs solely to her! If your ex-partner called you the "worst wife in the world," hand that "worst version" back to him and keep the "best version" for yourself. If your mother believes you are "unworthy," she is likely voicing the reason for her own unhappy marriage.

Do not shoulder other people's problems, and rid yourself of negativity as soon as possible. If someone shoves and insults you, immediately tie those insulting words back to the person who spoke them—and let them "clatter" with that baggage for all to hear...

No matter the situation, learn to keep your own inner world clean and inviolate. If you have already accumulated some of these "gifts," do not worry; it is not too late to return them. You can start doing so right now...